Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm Still Here

I have been a little MIA lately.  I feel like ever since last week, all my regular habits have gone out the window.  I'm not exercising, I'm not eating very well, I'm not blogging... I'm pretty much going to work, coming home, taking naps because since I don't sleep well at night, I am SOO tired all the time, watching mindless TV and zoning out.  I need to get out of this funk.  I started slowly getting back to eating like normal.  I'm not there yet completely, but I'm trying.  I would swear that I've gained 10 pounds in this week and two days since the shooting, although I can't be sure since I stopped weighing myself a couple of months ago.  I think I look more puffy in the face, and my jeans are a little tighter.  I work at Target the rest of the week till Saturday, so my goal for myself for Saturday is to go for a run.  Molly will be happy, she has been on my final nerve for the past few days and I think it's pent up energy.  I have taken her for a couple of walks but I don't think it's enough for her.  Hopefully she can calm down till then.  Other Saturday plans include laying by the pool, and maybe SATC2 with some friends.  J will be gone that day, he is in a wedding.  I am not going because honestly, I just don't feel up to partying and dancing and all that.  A relaxing day in the sunshine sounds a lot more appealing.
I"m hoping that if I can get back into running at least a couple times a week, my mood will start to improve.  I haven't gone because I seriously worried that it would release emotions and I would end up all upset on the side of the road, but I think I will be ok now.  I have dealt with depression before, and I can feel myself slipping into it and I have to do something about it now before it gets worse.  It's been 4 years since my bout with it, and I have no desire to revisit those feelings.  I don't want to be on meds, I don't want to NOT smile and laugh and have a good time.  I get in bad moods like any other person, but they usually go away after a day or so.  I know this is a different situation, but I don't want to let it have lasting effects. 
To try to end on a good note, I got some news today that has the potential to become GREAT news.  I don't want to share it right now because I don't want to jinx it, or talk about it and then have to explain that it didn't happen, but I pray, pray, pray that all works out.  I will update you all when I know what's going on!
Oh yes, and thanks so much for all the support from you all.  It has definitely been one of the worst times of my life, and I so appreciate all the nice comments from everyone.  I have some really great readers :)


Will Burke said...

Just yesterday, I was wondering how you were holding up. It seems that you're self-aware enough to have a handle on your inner-workings. hope your day in the sun is a step in the right direction!

Brittany @ A Healthy Slice of Life said...

Hang in there! We all go through times where we just feel 'off', and maybe a few runs is just what you need to get you back up and going (I wouldn't know, I'm not a runner, but I hear people that do run find it very therapeutic ;))

I hope your good news turns GREAT!!

Rachel said...

Will- Thanks for thinking of me :) Tonight at work I wrote down the counseling hotline number, I am going to call tomorrow. Apparently we get 3 free sessions, I am going to go and see if it helps.

Rachel said...

Brittany- I am going to try on Saturday, if I feel up to it. And I HOPE SO TOO!!

Kelly said...

I know what you mean about getting out of the routine. When I was exercising all the time I felt great - it seemed to regulate everything for me. I've been feeling down ever since I stopped. Hopefully we can both get back on that bandwagon.