The Aftermath

This week since Sunday has been a long week, but at the same time it has been a blur.  Tuesday was the only day I went to work so far.  (Monday I was already off due to Memorial Day.)  Tuesday I was ok, I went to the full time job and to Target afterwards.  The entire mood at my store has changed, I don't really know how to describe it other than to say it's more somber.  There were three coworkers who were having a hard time so I spent my evening comforting them, talking to others, and working.. in that order.  It's fine though, the store has been really slow and there are people from other stores working so that we can all be free to speak with grief counselors, talk to each other, etc.  For all the shit I like to talk about Target, I really have to commend them for how they are handling this whole situation.  No one has to work if they don't want to come in.  You can leave early.  You can come in and wander around and do nothing.  There has been catered food in the break room all week long.  And like I said, other Target employees from other stores have been amazing, coming in and taking over so we can do our thing.  There is also extra security, including an armed police officer.  Although I know the odds of another shooting are slim, it's still a major comfort to see the officer walking the front.
Anyway.. back to Tuesday.  I came home after my short 4.5 hour shift totally exhausted and worn out.  I went to bed.  I woke up from a nightmare that I didn't remember with tears running down my face, my eyes all puffy and sticky, and decided I needed a day off.  All day on Monday, I got, "Were you there?  Did you know her?  How horrible.."  And then some questions I didn't want to be asked, "How many times was she shot?  Where was she shot?"  I was not in the mood, and already totally shaken up from my dream.  I called into both places and went back to bed till noon.  Spent the rest of the day alternately sleeping and watching TV.
Today was the funeral.  It was primarily in Spanish, but it didn't matter, I knew the deal.  The eulogy was in English, and the family in utter despair.  I have never been to such an emotional funeral, where the sister was screaming in the aisle and in such hysterics she couldn't even stand up on her own.  It was horrible.  I'm also pretty sure that it is a Catholic tradition to have an open casket, and hers was closed.  Just a stark reminder of what had happened.
Target had a little reception afterward with food, and we went and were all together and talked.  It was good that they did that, so that the memorial ended on a slight up note, because directly following the service when we were all standing in the parking lot, most of us were crying and hugging.  We left Target with dry eyes and some laughs, which we all really needed.
I came home and took a nap, and woke up still tired.  After some thinking, I called in to the full time job for tomorrow.  I think I would be pretty useless, and I need to try to get over this slight depression that I'm feeling.  It's a weird feeling, not like I will burst out crying any moment, but more like a depression, where I don't want to talk to anyone about anything and I don't want to be around anybody.  I have been telling myself all week to get up and exercise, but the most I have done is short walks with Molly.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow.  The plan is maybe a run, and then get out in the sun till I go in to Target.  I'm hoping that this weekend will ease some of these feelings, and I will be better by Monday.. at least able to not dread going to work, and being around everyone with all their questions.