The Aftermath

This week since Sunday has been a long week, but at the same time it has been a blur.  Tuesday was the only day I went to work so far.  (Monday I was already off due to Memorial Day.)  Tuesday I was ok, I went to the full time job and to Target afterwards.  The entire mood at my store has changed, I don't really know how to describe it other than to say it's more somber.  There were three coworkers who were having a hard time so I spent my evening comforting them, talking to others, and working.. in that order.  It's fine though, the store has been really slow and there are people from other stores working so that we can all be free to speak with grief counselors, talk to each other, etc.  For all the shit I like to talk about Target, I really have to commend them for how they are handling this whole situation.  No one has to work if they don't want to come in.  You can leave early.  You can come in and wander around and do nothing.  There has been catered food in the break room all week long.  And like I said, other Target employees from other stores have been amazing, coming in and taking over so we can do our thing.  There is also extra security, including an armed police officer.  Although I know the odds of another shooting are slim, it's still a major comfort to see the officer walking the front.
Anyway.. back to Tuesday.  I came home after my short 4.5 hour shift totally exhausted and worn out.  I went to bed.  I woke up from a nightmare that I didn't remember with tears running down my face, my eyes all puffy and sticky, and decided I needed a day off.  All day on Monday, I got, "Were you there?  Did you know her?  How horrible.."  And then some questions I didn't want to be asked, "How many times was she shot?  Where was she shot?"  I was not in the mood, and already totally shaken up from my dream.  I called into both places and went back to bed till noon.  Spent the rest of the day alternately sleeping and watching TV.
Today was the funeral.  It was primarily in Spanish, but it didn't matter, I knew the deal.  The eulogy was in English, and the family in utter despair.  I have never been to such an emotional funeral, where the sister was screaming in the aisle and in such hysterics she couldn't even stand up on her own.  It was horrible.  I'm also pretty sure that it is a Catholic tradition to have an open casket, and hers was closed.  Just a stark reminder of what had happened.
Target had a little reception afterward with food, and we went and were all together and talked.  It was good that they did that, so that the memorial ended on a slight up note, because directly following the service when we were all standing in the parking lot, most of us were crying and hugging.  We left Target with dry eyes and some laughs, which we all really needed.
I came home and took a nap, and woke up still tired.  After some thinking, I called in to the full time job for tomorrow.  I think I would be pretty useless, and I need to try to get over this slight depression that I'm feeling.  It's a weird feeling, not like I will burst out crying any moment, but more like a depression, where I don't want to talk to anyone about anything and I don't want to be around anybody.  I have been telling myself all week to get up and exercise, but the most I have done is short walks with Molly.  Maybe I will try again tomorrow.  The plan is maybe a run, and then get out in the sun till I go in to Target.  I'm hoping that this weekend will ease some of these feelings, and I will be better by Monday.. at least able to not dread going to work, and being around everyone with all their questions.

Comment Moderation

I just realized that since I changed my template, no one was able to leave comments.  At first I thought you all left me, but then I realized there must be a problem...and now it's fixed.  So if anyone wanted to leave anything, I apologize!

One Of The Most Horrifying Days Of My Life

Today, in theory, was supposed to be a good day.  I went to the beach in NC for the first time since moving here 3 years ago.  I love the ocean.  I love the waves, the noise, the sand, everything.  It's one place in the world where I feel truly relaxed.
My friends and I were driving around looking for a parking space when I got a text message.  It was from my friend Jen, who wrote, "Rachel, thank God you aren't at work today.  There was a shooting."  I read it and it took a minute to process.  Since I know Jen from Target and not my full time job, AND it was Sunday, I knew what "work" she was talking about.  And I freaked out.  I called her.  She told me someone had walked into Target with a gun and shot and killed a cashier.  I am a cashier.  I know every single cashier who works there, some better than others, but I know EVERY.  SINGLE.  ONE.  She is telling me in a crying rush, "Rachel, Becca is in there, Michael is in there, Nick and Camille and Dawn are in there..." and these are all names of good friends, bosses, but it doesn't even really matter at this point because I am thinking of everyone, all my friends and all the people I dislike and I can't stand the thought of this happening to a single one of them.  Her and I hang up with the promise to call if we hear anything, and it's the beginning of a very long couple of hours to put everything together.  I am thinking it was a random shooting.  I am remembering the final episode of Grey's, and realizing that people that I know are actually living this fictional nightmare.  It is REALITY.  I wonder if more than one person is dead, I wonder who it is, I pray to God that people are safe, I cry and shake uncontrollably for a while.  My friends don't know what to do, one is rubbing my shoulders, they are telling me it's ok, and I don't really remember how but we found a parking space.
To make this long story short, we eventually found out that it was not a random killing.  It was a man with a purpose, who wanted to kill his ex girlfriend.  He went to the end of the checklane behind her and shot her in the back.  He had apparently no desire to kill anyone else, and that is one small thing I find comfort in.  There was obviously panic and chaos and terror and screaming as people fled the store.  Apparently this coward of a man killed himself when confronted with the police.
I do not really discuss religion or my beliefs on this blog, but I have to say that it was only by the grace of God that I was not there today.  I rarely take weekend days off, but as you know, I had taken a long weekend for the holiday to give myself a break.  Other than today, I work basically almost every single Sunday.  I most likely would have been there.  What would I have done??  My biggest fear in life is dying by a violent act.  I know everyone fears this, but it's actually something that I think about.  I have had thoughts about what I would do if there was a shooting at Target, and I honestly think had I been there today, something inside of me would have probably broken and never been repaired.  I think God knew this.  I think He gives us no more than we can handle, and He knew I would not be able to handle this.  I think He had a hand in making sure no one else was hurt or killed.  I imagine all my coworkers, not knowing what was happening, running out in panic and fear, and it kills me.  It kills me. 
This has now made national news.  It is on CNN, and you can read about what happened.  Don't read the comments underneath the story.  I made that mistake and I am so angry I can barely type this out.  To the person who said all people who work for the Target store are stupid and uneducated, fuck you may you never ever be in this position.  Not one person that I know that works there is stupid.  They are doing their best in this rough economy.  They are me, trying to supplement a really good income to support more than themselves.  And they are her.... and mother and grandmother, who worked because it gave her something to do. 
So to end this, I want to say:

Guadalupe F. Rosas,

I am devastated that this happened to you.  I know you and I got off on the wrong foot when I started and for this I am so sorry.  I am grateful that we were able to put this aside and became good acquaintances over the past few months.  I am happy that I got to work next to your register last weekend and have a conversation.  Thank you for being interested in my life and asking so many questions, and for telling me a little bit about you.  I know you are a private person, and that I didn't know you very well, but I can say that you were a very classy woman and that I will miss you.  I will never ever forget this day, and I pray to God that what happened to you, happened quickly and you didn't feel pain.  You don't deserve to feel that kind of pain.  You deserve to be with God now, and at peace.  Please rest in peace.  I will be praying for your family and for you.  I am so sorry this happened.

I need to go now.  Please, everyone say an extra prayer for this woman who worked at Target to stay busy, who had children and grandchildren, who had a smile for everyone and who was taken too soon.

Grocery Stores And Obesity?

The other night, J brought this article to my attention.  Basically what this article says is that people who shop at health stores such as Whole Foods tend to be skinnier and healthier than people who shop at conventional stores.  I read it, and re-read it, and thought about it, and decided that this makes sense.  I don't know about most health grocery stores, but I do know about WF, and I know that they not only carry a higher than normal amount of organic foods, they also have standards for what they carry.  They do not carry foods that have certain ingredients.  They do not feature foods that have artificial flavorings, colorings, sweeteners, preservatives or hydrogenated fats.  So even if a person doesn't really know what to look for on a food label, they would still be protected by default, as none of the foods in the store have a lot of what most processed foods have in conventional stores.  It's not really a secret that I love WF, I went there today for the first time in a few weeks and got a ton of stuff and spent $125, and yes, that food is for mostly me, and will probably last about a week or two.  It's ok though, because I like to support the stores that do what I think is the right thing in terms of foods and diet.
I want to make sure to say right now that I don't think that people who shop at conventional stores are always unhealthy and obese.  I shop at Target half of the time.  The difference is the selection, and people who don't know, who aren't informed, who are on a budget, are going to get the foods that they think are the best bang for their buck.  Would it surprise you to know that pound for pound, most healthy options are cheaper than the unhealthy?  I wrote an entire brochure on this in college for my local grocery store.  Apples, for example, are MUCH cheaper per pound than chips.  Produce in general is cheaper than meat.  Brown rice, whole wheat pasta, whole grain bread, all these are only marginally more expensive than their white counterparts.  Reading food labels takes just a few minutes of time, and if products that contain HFCS or MSG are avoided, the impact on health is huge.  My headaches have significantly reduced since making sure these two ingredients are eliminated from my diet.
It amazes me to think of things that seem obvious to me that have caused this country to be in this mess we are in today.  For some reason, in the last hundred years, we have replaced good, healthy, organic produce with produce that is covered in chemicals and pesticides.  We have upped meat intake, and it isn't meat that is roaming pastures and eating grass, it's meat that has been stuffed into crowded buildings, eating grain, eating ground up predecessors, getting antibiotic shots, getting growth hormone shots, and all of these chemicals and toxins get stored where?  In the meat.  That humans buy, and consume daily, two or three meals a day, and they want people to think these toxins DON'T transfer?  DON'T cause problems?  What else have we done?  We have basically eliminated breastfeeding, portion sizes have more than doubled, we insist that carbs are the enemy and the more protein, the better.  We add HFCS to almost every single processed food, we add folic acid which now is being shown to cause cancer, we have foods where the entire ingredients list is chemicals.  And then we act surprised when obesity is slowly becoming the norm.  We wonder why cancer rates are going through the roof.  We don't understand the rising rates of diabetes, heart disease, all the things where the first thing questioned should be diet, but for some reason it's the last thing on anyone's mind.
I didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant.  I get worked up when I think about how deep of a mess this country has gotten into with food and disease rates.  I don't think everyone should be spending all their spare time reading up on health and nutrition and making sure they are getting all the right things at all the right times.  I DO think that the people in charge of our food supply should be doing this.  It infuriates me, the concept of making a profit over and above the health of people.  Splenda, diet sodas, HCFS, MSG, genetically modified produce and meat from sick animals... somehow this is what is taking over the majority of our grocery stores.  I am taking my small, tiny stand against it by spending my money elsewhere half the time, and spending more time reading food labels and making sure I am getting the best that is offered at other stores the other half of the time.  I like to think that I have slowly influenced a few people to do the same, even J, who when I first mentioned that I wanted to buy organic, his exact word was "Ew."  A couple of years later, and he mentions that he wants to be sure we are buying all the organic we can afford.  He read a couple of articles that scared him, such as the one linked above, and has heard me talk about this endless times, and it is finally sinking in.  I really want to think that it is slowly but steadily sinking in for the rest of the country as well.

Changed It Up!!

I told y'all that I was REALLY wanting to change my template, what do you think?? I LOVE it, I have a small obsession with cherries so this was perfect. (I cannot do the tacky cherry things though, ya know, like seat covers for my car or anything... but I do have a cherry belly button ring!) I also changed the pic, that's one from the wedding with Jenny making a face, lol. I might still play around, stay tuned :)

Sorry AGAIN that I don't really have a lot to say. I guess I can tell you that I am about to shampoo my carpet and everyone cross fingers that the pet stains come out :( I may or may not go running, but I am so tired of this wet, slightly chilly, dark weather that I bet I don't go. Seriously, where is all this RAIN coming from? I would also like to add that I came home from work last night after downpours and thunderstorms all day long, and the lawn sprinklers were on. I'm sure they were on a timer, but my leasing office is open every day, they can't shut them off? The building is about to float away.

Molly is asleep on the floor next to me. She is dreaming about something and is barking a quiet little dream bark. She won't want to go running either. She is a tomboy for sure, but a total diva when it comes to rain. I can barely take her out to pee when it's raining, she gets all excited when she sees the leash, but as soon as we step out and she sees she is about to get wet, she will stop, look at me like, "bitch please," and turn right around. For real. This is not a water loving dog. The one good thing is that when I finally make her go out, because hello, she is not allowed to pee in the house no matter what the carpet stains may tell you, she does her business FAST. Then we come back, she shakes for about 10 minutes, and goes off and sulks until she dries off.

Well, I guess that solved the running problem. Tori, Dean, and RHNJ drama it is. (Oh yes, and does anyone else watch the RH? Anyone watching NY right now? Anyone else really only able to stomach Bethany and Alex right now?? Seriously, what is wrong with the others?? We have Jill the total victim playing drama queen, Luanne the "better than everyone but my man is creepy and totally gonna be on the news one day," Ramona with her crazy eyes, and Kelly- who I have no words for. Sonya, I don't know her well enough yet. But please, PLEASE people, don't judge NY based off this freakshow. I promise, the other 99.9% of us are normal.)

Drama Drama Drama

Hey everyone,

Just a little post to tell you that I'm still here. I don't have a lot to say, it's been a rough week and weekend with a lot happening in my personal life and I have a lot that I am suddenly trying to work through. When I have time and I'm feeling better I will be back. Im still reading blogs though, you all are cheering me up more than you know!

Really Quickly, Very Important

So, I promise this isn't going to be a political post but something was just brought to my attention and I am feeling really strongly about this. Apparently there is a bill trying to be passed with an ammendment that says that supplements will be regulated by the pharmaceutical companies, and therefore you will not be able to get vitamins and supplements without a prescription. Crap?? I think so. Anyway, if you want to send a letter to your Senator, click HERE, click on "Breaking News" in the center of the page, and you will be taken to an article to read about all of this and you can fill out a brief form against this revision that will be sent to your Senator.





Thanks everyone! Sorry to get all crazy :)